W. C. Fields Humorous Quotations

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

What would you do if you were President, and, on the first day of May, the Russian Ambassador presented you with a beautiful cake which emitted a curious ticking noise? Would you plunge it into a pail of water - thus insulting Soviet cuisine in general?