Woody Allen Humor Quotations

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Humorists always sit at the children's table.

I think if you have a comic perspective, almost anything that happens you tend to put through a comic filter. It's a way of coping in the short term, but has no long term effect and requires constant, endless renewal. Hence people talk of comics who are "always on." It's like constantly drugging your sensibility so you can get by with less pain.

... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.